They know how to break all the girls like you.

Dearest, Most Fashionable Reader: when I sat down in front of my computer this evening, I tried to write the poem I’d been tossing around all day in my head. I tried. And tried. And tried. Five typed single-spaced pages of trying. Five typed single-spaced pages of trying that are now in my desktop’s recycling bin, soon to be deleted forever. Five typed single-spaced pages OF SHAME.

Now I know, Dearest, Most Fashionable Reader, that you’re wondering why these pages were such pages OF SHAME. Well, the title of the poem I attempted to write will give half of it away. And the book from whence the title came will give the other half away.

Poem Title: “25 Reasons Why Women Want to Call Men But Shouldn’t!”

The Book from Whence the Title Came: All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right

O THE SHAME! O THE SHAME O THE SHAME O THE SHAME!

I feel I must explain myself. I did not read All the Rules for its advice (though I did find Chapter 13, entitled “Don’t Tell the Media About Your Love Life and Other Rules for Celebrities,” quite useful). I recently read it (and an ungodly amount of other shameful books that need not be mentioned here) to get a sense of what things are like in the dating/relationship scene now, being as I am woefully rusty.

But to talk of such things is not fashionable! Talk of poems equals fashion! Talk of Zelda’s horrendous lack of relationship skills equals not-fashion!

So: a shout-out to Matt for (unknowingly) helping me with the Poem of Fashion for this evening. It is a Poem of Terrifying Fashion — perhaps, then, a Poem of Haute Couture Fashion.

Now Was My Chance

I was institutionalized sufficiently [and now rest-of-poem must go back to her padded room. . . ]

Non-Poem P.S. / You Would Not Kiss My Foot

Ashlee Simpson.

You got a nose job. You’re pregnant.

Get over it.

(NEW FEATURE! NEW FEATURE! I DECLARE DAILY FASHIONABLE CELEBRITY ANGST A NEW FEATURE!)

Because Apparently Packrats Cannot Keep Everything

O, O, O, I do not want to disappoint our Googlers of fashion / fashion Googlers with a short and shoddy poemlogue, but I have spent the evening in the midst of Very Serious Business and Other Bits of Chaos. The Other Bits of Chaos included the fact that, for a while, it seemed as though I had managed to save nearly every single scrap of paper I’ve acquired over the past six years — except my cat’s very necessary vaccination records! Random TJ Maxx receipt for a bra I bought my first year of graduate school? Check! Note scribbled on the corner of the menu from the fish taco restaurant I got talked into visiting after two margaritas? Check! Incredibly important and very necessary vaccination records for my sweet furry boo boo friend? NO CHECK! Finally, though, I found them, tucked in the very back of the file cabinet. Sigh of relief, and moving on.

This poem comes from a convee with Zelda about the deliciousness of Bar-B-Que and a convee with one of our Fabulous Commenters about the fabulosity of the word “meat.” And, in honor of the word “meat,” I give you “Mr. M” from the Very Much Existing Letter People. In case you were wondering, this, THIS is the one that gave me nightmares — it’s all too terrifying — from the vague groove music in the beginning to his munching mouth to the random bizarre hippie brown acid break down dance moment in the middle (though perhaps this terrified me because I knew one day I would only be able to dance in such a way). You have been warned. Enjoy.

Meat

Is not for vegetarians.

Poems of Fashion, Fashion Poems

We interrupt this blog of fashionable poems and poem prompts of fashion to bring you fashion news and news of fashion. This is the most fashionable news discovered in, well, ever. Do you remember when, about this time last year, Google declared Stephen Colbert the Greatest Living American? Yes, that was very dramatic.

Well, dearest Vivienne and I have discovered something of that same magnitude. Please refer to the graphic below. Would you like to see a larger version of the graphic below? Then click on the graphic below.

Yes, it’s true. Vivienne Haighwood and Zelda Fitzgerald, also known as The Hyacinth Girls, also known as the Constructors of the Fashion Poems, the Poems of Fashion, also known as the Fashionable Poets Who Are Most Fashionably Taking Part in NaPoWriMoFa (National Poetry Writing Month of Fashion), have been deemed by Google as the Poets with the Most Fashionable Poems.

Yes. Very dramatic, isn’t it?