We’re gonna rise above. We gotta smash it up.

Dear Reader: Zelda is tired today. Zelda is weary, for Zelda had a mini-breakdown today in the middle of Lowe’s Home Improvement. This did not surprise Zelda, for she has had mini-breakdowns each time she has entered Lowe’s Home Improvement for quite some time now. In fact, each time she drags herself through the automatically opening doors of Lowe’s Home Improvement, she can hear the Lowe’s Home Improvement employees whispering, “Here comes that stunningly fashionable woman again! I wonder which aisle she will have her quite unfashionable breakdown in today.”

Lowe’s Home Improvement is too much, Dear Reader. Too, too much. Zelda thinks that its name may as well be changed to:

“Lowe’s Home Improvement — No, Wait, Zelda Doesn’t Have a House to Improve Anymore! So WTF Are You Even Doing in Here, Zelda? This Store Is Only for People Who Own Homes that They Wish to Improve. Get the Hell Out, Zelda! Do You See These Faucets, Zelda? Well, Guess What? You Don’t Own a Bathroom to Put Them in, Zelda! You See This Lumber, Zelda? Guess What? This Lumber Is for People Who Live in Their Very Own Homes so That They Can Add a Back Deck so That They Can Enjoy the Summer Breezes Outside of Their Homes. You Know: the Homes They OWN. Get the Hell Out, Zelda!”

Now, Zelda realizes that she chose to move out of her home. And Zelda is happy with her decision — Zelda is very, very happy. This does not, however, change the fact that the 117,000 square foot building housing appliances, outdoor furniture, power tools, and kitchen cabinetry is a vile and despicable building that is positioned perfectly over the very gates of hell. Neither does this change the fact that when you walk into a Lowe’s Home Improvement on any given day, you will most likely find Zelda curled up inside a 44-gallon plastic trash can wailing as loud as Slash’s guitar wails during his “November Rain” solo.

the icemaker

[is broken, you betches!]

Because Vivienne Is a Busy Lady

Careful followers of the blog might’ve noticed a brief disturbance. Careful followers of the blog might’ve felt a sharp pain in their chest and attributed it to a bad pork sandwich. Careful followers of the blog will hopefully forgive Vivienne for the lapse in NaPoWriMo posting her road trip induced. Forgive me, careful followers. How far we fall from grace. I promise a two-poem posting soon. Promise.

In the meantime, the poemlogue:

It’s a good thing that this is an anonymous venture, because only one person who has the address to this blog has known me long enough and well enough to know what this is about, and that’s Zelda. In fact, I quite expect to receive a (deservedly) sternly voiced phone call from one Zelda Fitzgerald after this post, reminding me why this is a Very Bad Idea. But, here it is. Look: love is the subject of 120% of my poetry. And as I write so much about love, I know that I can, in no way, even vaguely begin to consider myself an expert on love. But, I can consider myself an expert on talking about love. And here’s the thing about love: it ends. But it doesn’t. It’s over. But it isn’t. And suddenly, years later, you find yourself thinking these terrible thoughts that you know know know know KNOW you should REALLY NEVER BE THINKING. But you’re thinking them. And then you’re writing this damn poem, which is pretty much exactly like the last three poems you wrote, but whatever. Whatever. You can’t get these thoughts you should REALLY NEVER BE THINKING out of your freaking head.

So here’s the poem. And here, in support of Zelda, is the “November Rain” video, posted, again, so that you can watch it, again, and think very carefully about what you’ve done in denying its awesomeness. For its awesomeness is truly, truly awesome. SEE SLASH WAIL ON THE GUITAR IN THE CHURCH YARD!!! WAIL FOR YOUR LOVE OF SLASH!!! WAIL FOR IT!!!

End scene.

In the Airport Parking Deck

Removed after stern talking to for the good of the universe, really.

Non-Poem P.S. / Nearly Ten Minutes of Celebrity Angst!

In honor of Our Dearest Vivienne Haighwood, I shall post this Celebrity Angst video.

Vivienne shall return to her Postings of Fashion as soon as fashionably possible.

I’m killing two most fashionable birds with one stone here, for not only does the Featured Celebrity of Fashionable Angst have angst himself, but the Featured Celebrity of Fashionable Angst has caused Yours Truly angst as well. Remember the Tommy Hilfiger Incident a couple of years ago?

Oh, Axl.

Oh Axl, Axl, Axl.

So here I offer you, Dearest Readers, nearly ten minutes of Celebrity Angst. I guarantee that it will be the best (and most angst-ridden) nine minutes and twelve seconds that you will spend today. It is a Video of Fashion — one of the most fashionable videos ever.

I present to you, Dearest Readers, the Angst-Ridden Video of Fashion / Fashionable Video that accompanies the epically angst-filled song that is “November Rain.”

Enjoy, Dear Readers.

And while you are enjoying “November Rain, ” remember the glory days of Our Dearest Axl, the glory days which included Texas-teased hair, tight leather pants, tight pants of virtually any fabric paired with huge belt buckles, white jean jackets paired with tight white jeans (which Axl managed to pull off, and I still am not sure how), crosses, bracelets, a plethora of fabulously fashionable bandannas, and sweat. Lots and lots of sweat.

Yum.

Do not forget.

Oh, we mustn’t ever, ever forget.