In Which Vivienne Takes No Mercy

Preface to the preface: after penning (or, well, typing, really) particularly volatile entries, Vivienne and Zelda had a phone conversation which sounded something like this:

Vivienne: HELLS YEAH!

Zelda: I’M COMING ALLLLLLIIIIIIIIVVVVVVEEEE!

Vivienne: OUR TIME IS NOOOOOOOWWWWW!

This exchange was followed by an open acknowledgment of and further commitment to the fact that, this time, the Hyacinth Girls are going Balls Out.  Balls to the Wall.  This, reader, is our commitment to you: we will take no prisoners.  We will give no mercy.  We will go All Out, Balls Out, All The Time.

And so it begins …

Vivienne has recently publicly announced her Declaration to Quit two things which she now sees as Very Bad Habits: smoking cigarettes and dating.  When Vivienne has told people of her Declaration to Quit Smoking, she has received an Overwhelmingly, Undividedly Positive Response.  Good for you!  Fabulous!  I’m so proud! The Declaration to Quit Smoking was met with complete praise and admiration.

However.

When Vivienne has told people of her Declaration to Quit Dating, the response has been muted and/or mixed.  While some have been supportive, most have given her a response which one can only translate as I am now going to watch you carefully to make sure you do not climb your stairs and jump out of your second story window. Some have urged her, No, no, Vivienne!  Don’t give up!  The Man of Your Dreams is just around the corner! Some have said, with a twinkle in their eye and their voice, Oh, you know what’s going to happen now!  You’re going to meet The One.  I just know it.  That’s what happens when you give up. Some have informed her that it isn’t healthy to quit dating.  It isn’t healthy to give up.

Really.

Vivienne would like to argue against this.  Vivienne would like to argue that both of her Declaration to Quit are, in fact, good for her health.

Let’s take the first Declaration.  Smoking is bad for you.  All right.  We’ve agreed.  Smoking is Very Much Not Good for you.  It fucks up your lungs and your throat and your nose and one day, if you keep smoking, they’re going to cut out your tongue and your cheeks and you’ll just be a hole with a box that you hold to a hole in your throat to speak.  It Is.  Not.  Good.  For.  You.  Fine.  We’ve agreed.  That was easy.  But when Vivienne says she has made a Declaration to Quit Dating because it is almost if not just as if not MORE damaging than smoking, then we have a problem.  Then we have a protest.  Oh-HO, then we hear.  Vivienne has gone to far.

Vivienne is not going to give you examples of her Dating Nightmares.  She is not going to give you examples of physical and psychological abuse, though she could give you plenty.  She could give you enough to send you screeching and screaming into the corner.  She could give you enough for a lifetime of sleepless nights.  But she is not.  Instead, she is going to do this.

Consider this: the one relationship all who know Vivienne termed as “healthy.”  The one relationship which was a “success.”  He was such a good guy!  He was The Real Thing!  He and Vivienne had long and healthy and open and honest talks!  They got along so well!  It was The Real Thing!  Her therapist — even her therapist – agreed!  Vivienne was taking Progress Road straight down the way to Healthy Relationship Lane, where the streets are paved with Bob’s Peppermints and everyone rides My Little Ponies to work!

Consider this: what went on in this one relationship that could be considered a “healthy” “success.”  Here, Vivienne began a relationship (this was her first mistake) with a man (this was her second mistake) who worked in the same field she was in (this was her third and perhaps most fatal mistake).  And, look, Vivienne isn’t going to give specifics here, as her desire for anonymity overshadows her desire to prove a point, but Vivienne will say that she Is Not Bad at what she does.  Vivienne will even go so far as to say that she is Moderately Accomplished at what she does.  She does Not Suck at it.  But the man with which she was in this “healthy” “successful” relationship — let’s call him A. Hat — the man with which she was in this “healthy” “successful” relationship constantly, nearly daily, made remarks which implied that she did, in some way, suck at this enterprise in which they were both involved.  For instance: when Vivienne would mention an Idea in Their Field that Ass H. had never heard of (something which should have happened quite often, as A. Hat really apparently had never evolved his thinking about Their Field past the 1950’s, but Vivienne held back), yes she did, good little girl that Vivienne is!), Ass H. would say look at you, telling me something new! Or, if Vivienne mentioned that she had spent the day working on Things in Their Field, A. Hat would say, look at you, working on your little work! Or, if Vivienne introduced Ass H. to some Literature in Their Field he had never encountered, A. Hat would remark, aw, look at you, reading!

When Vivienne heard this, did she vomit?  Did she rip her phone out of its socket and throw it through a plate glass window?  Did she rip Ass Hat off his couch and throw him through a plate glass window?  No.  No, though any of those would have been proper responses, she did not.  She smiled.  She blushed.  She went so far as to giggle.  She had to, didn’t she?  A. Hat was The Real Thing!  What they had was The Real Thing!  This was the relationship that even her therapist termed as a “healthy” “success”!  This was progress!  This was The Relationship as The Relationship was meant to be!

Smoking is dangerous.  Yes.  Smoking can shorten your lifespan.

But I ask you this: is it worse to live a short life, being exactly and fully who you truly and really ARE, or to live a long life being diminished and put down and belittled and forcing yourself to diminish and put down and belittle yourself, to convince yourself that you are less than you are, just so that you can do what everyone says you should do — i.e., be in a Relationship, look for The One, be married and babied and white fenced and aproned and all?

Underworld: Bedsheets.  Streetlamp.  Comb.

You in the moment you know you’ll remember it: flipped backup and him working over you, grunt grunt and neversore though you sore, neversore he though you sore though you not sore because you cannot say sore, because you cannot say, flipped backup and him working over you, grunt grunt and neversore and hand firm and flat against flat back of the skull, flipped backup and him working over you, grunt grunt neversore neversore because you cannot say sore because you cannot say, flipped backup and him grunt and you mouth open, flipped backup mouthopen you cannot say sore and sore and flipped open you cannot mouth pillowed no air you cannot flipped backup you in the moment of grunt you’ll remember sore you cannot say you cannot you sore.