Give me onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten bottles of gin.

Dearest Reader: do you remember the set of books called The Survival Series for Kids? It consisted of 28 books, ranging from What to Do When Your Mom or Dad Says . . . BEHAVE IN PUBLIC! to What to Do When Your Mom or Dad Says . . . BE PREPARED! Zelda’s two favorites were What to Do When Your Mom or Dad Says . . . BE GOOD! and What to Do When Your Mom or Dad Says . . . DO SOMETHING BESIDES WATCHING TV! Remember, Dear Reader: the ellipses and the exclamation points are very important. Zelda also loved the books because they were one of those Written by / Pictures by deals, and the illustrator’s name was Bartholomew. Simply Bartholomew. Zelda found that incredibly fabulous, for it reminded her of Madonna.

Now, it’s always good to have a plan in certain situations, Dearest Reader. [And yes, Zelda is aware that this entry is sounding more and more like a daily devotional.] And today, O Reader, Zelda would like to share how she deals with one of her unmentionables.

Which brings me to, right after these ellipses . . . A SHANE MACGOWAN VIDEO! ABOUT! DRINKING! IN WHICH! HE IS! SOBER! Or looks it anyway. This most fabulous video also stars (& was directed by) the Delectable Johnny Depp in 1994, back when Johnny Depp was still delectable. Near the end of the video, you will see someone dancing on a bar table in the background. This, my Dearest, Fashionable Readers, would be Zelda.

Head straight for the bar and get a glass of ginger ale.

I’ve had my share. Not on Thursdays, darling. No. No. No, but thanks. It wouldn’t mix well with the antipsychotics. Not with these boots on, dear. But I’m already holding one. No thanks. I’m good. I’ve had enough already. Thanks, but no.